a_sin_for_him | IC Contact

Jane, are you alright?

I've...encountered something similar to what you're describing, in that now and then I've known some to come back and be different than how I knew them. They'd lived different lives beyond what I knew of them, changed. Or in one case lived a different life entirely.

I know you love your Pokemon very much. And they know it, too. You're an excellent trainer and caretaker, Jane. One foolish human's opinion won't change that.

I am physically fine! Emotionally, I don't know if I want to yell or cry or kick something.
I...
I feel like my arm's being twisted just for saying "Hello, how are you?" and it really sucks, and I don't know how to respond other than try not to get angry and say something I'll come to regret. There is no possible way to count how many times I've ended up with my foot metaphorically in my mouth, and I'd like to not repeat the process.

I hope they know it. I know Dinah knows it, we're. We've become too close not to understand each other. It's crazy, yesterday it felt like the only family I would ever have for keeps in this place were my Pokemon and today, now, I'm being told by someone who SHOULD be a good and reliable friend that...
Fucking hell, I don't even know WHAT he's trying to tell me! He just rattled off a bunch of math and called me controlling and I don't know if he's mad about something I did in the past or in the future that I don't know about? Because he refuses to give a clear answer! And I have asked for one, it's not like I'm beating around the bush...

God, why did I stop to continue talking to him? I should've just kept moving, I'd be closer to home by now.

Those are all healthy ways to vent emotions.

Whatever's happened...I'm sure it's no fault of yours. You've done nothing wrong. You can't take it personally, if he's some other person than the one you knew.

Once, on one of those odd weekends like we just had, I met a man I thought I knew. A man I cared about deeply. But this man? He was...cruel and broken and angry and nothing like I'd ever seen him be before. Different choices and different experiences had changed him that much. He was akin to a stranger to me, no matter how familiar his face was. And it hurt, and it upset me, but....

But the problem didn't lie with me. Nor does it with you.

[A response comes a little later...honestly, it would look a lot worse if it wasn't through text. Jane's crying. It's Bad.]

I think something like that situation has happened because I don't think it's possible for me to have done this weird "Ultimate Self" bullshit to him that he's claiming to be...
It's really weird and also he implied that I'm not worth his time because I'm not fifty million Janes slammed into one body and I don't matter, apparently!!!!
So I yelled at him and told him not to come over for Christmas...
Dinah's been hugging me for a while now and she won't let go...
And also apparently I'm controlling but honestly how would I know if I am? Lust, am I controlling???
God, maybe he's getting to me worse than I thought, I'm crying again.
Fuck.

Take deep breaths, Jane.

Whoever he's angry at, it isn't you. You know yourself. I know you.
You're a compassionate and empathetic person, and you're certainly not controlling.

I know controlling.

You've been through a shock, and it's making you doubt yourself.

Okay.
I'm going to try. Breathing, that is. Deep breathing. I have been breathing, but not. You know, the helpful kind.

I'm. Still flabbergasted, I mean. Deep down, I always felt...like my friends were always wonderful people. And when I would get angry, I felt like I wasn't worthy of them afterwards.
This is just...
It really hurts to hear someone say as much in different words.

They're only words. They have no bearing on your worth, and whoever this person is, familiar face or not, they don't know you. They may as well be a stranger, for all they know of YOU.

That's kind of how it feels, to be honest.
Like not only am I apparently a stranger to him, he's a total stranger to me, too.
And I can't fathom what could have happened to make that possible, besides his excuse.

You are, in a way. Whatever other life you he knows...is not YOU.

...That's true.
And while I'm here, I can't be that me.
Whatever path I'm on...it's probably diverged so much, it's impossible to be someone other than who I am now and where I CAN go from here.
I think.

...I'm really sorry for coming to you in a panic, Lust. This IS helping quite a lot.

I believe that here...we can be our best selves. I wouldn't worry about what you might have been or could have been, under different circumstances.

It's perfectly alright. I believe it's simply a facet of friendship.

...Yeah, I suppose so.

I don't really want to give up the idea that maybe he and I could still be friends. At the same time, however, I don't know how healthy trying would be...
But I can't NOT try, you know? It feels...like I'd be betraying everything our group meant to us if I did.

Give it time. Let him adjust and put time between himself and those memories he has that he associates with you.

In my experience...it will be easier that way.

Time. Alright. I can do that.
Just put some time between us.
He'll likely be fine on his own for a while anyway.

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