a_sin_for_him | IC Contact

Of course.

What is it?

_{[She's kind of been building up the nerve to do this for the past week.]}

It's nothing directly to do with you, but I guess I just kind of need some advice about something

I'll do what I can.

Is this a cocoa or wine chat?

_{[There's a pause while she considers the offer.]

[Wine is tempting... but her mind flashes back to the way the room had tilted and the way her stomach had lurched. Maybe alcohol wouldn't be the best idea for this discussion.]}

cocoa

Edited 2017-02-15 07:16 (UTC)

I'll put on a pot.

Just come by my room, I hate giving advice over text.

Thanks. I'll be up in a little bit.

_{[About twenty minutes or so later, Heather comes up the stairs.]

[She's looked unusually tired pretty much since the end of January, so it's probably not much of a surprise when she shows up at the door to Lust's room looking haggard and weary. There's bags under her eyes and she's wearing a sweatshirt that's just as baggy as her eyes-- probably grabbed it from Henry's laundry.]}

Hey...

Come in, Heather.

[Lust's tucked into the one chair in the room, and there are two mugs of hot cocoa on the low tea table by the window. Heather looks particularly exhausted, though that isn't entirely uncommon these days.]

What's wrong?

_{[She steps inside and shuts the door behind her.]}

It's... well...

_{[She'd sort of hoped it would be easier to find the words once she actually had to say them.]}

... I'm sorry if this is weird. It's kind of about sex.

Oh.

[Lust blinks in a bit of surprise. Not in regards to the subject matter, but that Heather apparently needs advice with it.]

That is my area of expertise. Theoretically, I've been out of the game a few years. Sit down. And don't be embarrassed, there's nothing you could say that could possibly shock or bother me.

_{[Swallowing, Heather crosses her arms and leans back against the wall.]}

It's not so much about the... you know, graphic details.

It's more...

_[Ughhhh.]

Like, Envy and I have been active for awhile.

But usually it's-- like, we have plenty of fun, but I, uh...

I just don't... usually let him touch me much.

I thought it was just kind of a preference thing, but... I think it's more than that.

_{[A heavy pause.]}

... I think there might actually be something wrong with me.

[Lust is quite, letting Heather get it all out. She nods, though, as much to herself as to Heather. When she speaks, her voice is pitched soft but conversational.]

It's a very different thing, isn't it? Being touched, as opposed to touching. It's a shift in power, of control, even if both parties are on equal footing. The body, the animal part of the brain, it understands the vulnerability.

[It's something she well understands herself.]

There's nothing wrong with you.

_{[Once she'd gotten that all out, she crosses the room to pick up one of the mugs. Then leans on the windowframe, nodding quietly in response.]

[As usual, Lust puts it to words far better than she'd been able to.]

[Because that's it-- sure, there's some complications... a few different sources for the things she feels when she thinks about someone physically manipulating her body for any purpose... but it all boils down to that.]}

Yeah...

_{[She can't help but sigh-- even if Lust is right, it doesn't quite solve the problem.]}

But like... I want to be able to do it. He's been patient, he doesn't pressure me or anything, so like... it's nothing that he's done. But I still thought, you know, it'd probably make him happy...

But when we tried...

It isn't something you're going to simply get over immediately because you want to.

[Lust sips her own cocoa, thoughtful.]

In all honesty, I have a very similar fear. I've long wondered if I'll even enjoy sex, given a chance to enjoy it, if I'll be able to experience it the same way others do.. I haven't found myself in a position. But...

[Typically, Lust is very private about whatever does or doesn't go on behind her bedroom door. It simply doesn't come up in conversation, and...there had been reasons. That are no longer here. Besides, Heather's her closest female friend and family in more ways than one.]

Even when Scar and I began exploring a physically intimate relationship, we never went very far beyond kissing passionately. And even when we did, it wasn't anything more than my using my hand on him. And you know how much I trusted him and how much I wanted him in that way. Obviously it's not quite the same, Scar was a virgin with intimacy fears of his own, but... I do understand. And it takes a great deal of time, and communication, and a willingness to be entirely honest with each other and yourself.

Did you and Envy talk about this? Before or after the trying?

_{[Heather cups the mug in both hands holding it to her chest. Somehow the warmth of it feels more comforting than the sweetness of its contents.]

[She remembers the last time they'd broached this particular subject, and how Lust had gotten a little worked up over it. All the same, it's still interesting to hear this kind of confession from someone who had done this for a living.]}

Before.

--well, not like... immediately before.

We talked, like... back when we were in Kanto. 'Cuz he asked, he'd noticed that I was kinda evading having him do anything, and I said... well I mean, I didn't lie. I said I was having plenty of fun the way things were, that I didn't need to have... you know, an 'orgasm' or whatever... _{[Complete with finger quotes, there.]} And like, mentioned all the other times I've done it, which basically all sucked...

And he got it, and we kept going like normal, but... the other ni-- well, more like a couple weeks ago, I figured hey, we've been at it long enough, and we trust each other, can't hurt to try, and just...

I think there was just so much more than even I thought would be wrong.

More than I even thought to tell him back then because I didn't... know.

... And we haven't... talked about it since, really.

I don't even know how to bring it up.

I don't think we ever know quite how deep the damage goes, until we're confronted with it. I've always said my past experiences didn't leave any sort of mark on me, but...I was wrong. It's simply that it manifests in strange ways I wouldn't have thought.

[And Lust herself had a habit of simply not thinking about it, repressing it all as in the untouchable past. Not to mention the vague feeling that she has nothing to be bothered by. It isn't as though she'd ever been hurt in that way by any of her marks, after all.]

[But it had been a decade of having no power over her own body, or what was done to it. Associations had been made, in those quiet and dark places in the mind that lie beneath conscious thought.]

It's not an easy thing to bring up. But you have discussed it before, to an extent, that makes it somewhat easier. And this, at least, I have personal experience with. As hard as it is to brooch a subject or have a particular conversation...the alternative is far worse.

Have you attempted any sort of intimacy, since?

_{[Heather normally is pretty good about acknowledging her trauma. About the many ways it seeps into her everyday life. Because really, so much of it is impossible to ignore.]

[But the sex parts... well, that hadn't BEEN a part of her life until recently, and...]}

No... this happened, like... directly before Henry went all lone avenger and got put in the hospital, so we didn't really have much of a chance to like... revisit it.

Ah. Yes, that wouldn't give opportunity for it to come up again.

[Lust purses her lips in thought.]

I confess, I'm no expert in this particular area. But from my limited experiences dealing with it... I can offer some suggestions, if you'd like them.

_{[Heather nods, miserably, and takes Lust's pause as a chance to take a long sip of the hot chocolate.]

[Even if it doesn't do anything to fix the problem, cocoa is just comforting. And it eases the knot in her chest a little.]}

I... yeah, I think I would. Can't hurt, right?

_{[Even if they wound up not helping, it's what she came up here for.]

[And it's not like Heather's got any ideas of her own, when it comes to this.]}

No, it can't hurt.

[They're only talking. Heather doesn't have to take any suggestion Lust offers, if she feels it wouldn't help any.]/small>

We know that the root of the problem is. It's a perception of control, of being at the mercy of someone else. Do you think that exerting what control you can might help? Verbally telling him what you'd like him to do, or verbally offering permission before he touches you?

[Even in her awkward fumbling with human intimacy, the asking and giving of permission had eased things greatly.]

I... guess.

I mean, that's kind of what I did.

The permission part, anyway...

_{[Which is part of why what had happened was so embarrassing.]

[It felt like asking the waitress to go ahead and grate some pepper onto your pasta only to hurl the plate across the restaurant like a discus and take off running.]}

And as for saying what I'd like, it's like... I don't... really know. What I'd like, I mean.

Even if it's something I want, like, in the abstract... it's like all I can think about is just... stuff I'd rather forget. Stuff I thought I'd already dealt with. Stuff I didn't... know would make me feel this way. Like I'm-- dirty, or something.

[Lust nods, listening.]

Please stop me if my inquiries and suggestions become too personal. I imagine it may be...awkward for you.

[They are talking about Lust's brother, after all. But it doesn't mean anything to her, sex has never a particularly private subject between her and Envy. Considering their previous lives, it would have been impossible for it to have been.]

On the subject of permission, did you simply give one blanket go-ahead, or did you continue to repeat the permission at each...step?

_{[At that, Heather's mouth twists in an awkward, mirthless grin.]}

Hah, yeah, awkward...

_{[Understatement. Honestly if it weren't something she was really, really desperate to fix, she wouldn't even be up here talking about it.]}

But uh... I mean, yeah, I just kind of said 'go for it'. The other thing didn't occur to me.

Wouldn't that kind of... you know... ruin the mood?

Edited 2017-03-26 07:35 (UTC)

It really doesn't bother me any, you don't have any reason to be embarrassed. Physical intimacy is an important part of life and these sorts of relationships.

[Lust leans back, thoughtful.]

No, I don't think so. I didn't find it to. For god's sake, I once stopped Scar in the middle of proceedings to cut his hair. After being very clear just what I thought of his current grooming choices. And after...we simply went right back to what we were doing. When two people have those feelings, that connection...it takes a great deal to 'ruin the mood'. And to be perfectly frank, your enjoyment and comfort is of the utmost importance. I know without even speaking to him that Envy feels that way. Exploring that...it's another form of intimacy.

_{[Heather listens, looking a little surprised at first... then, amused despite the issues that led to this conversation in the first place. Because like... of course Lust stopped Scar in the middle of making out to cut his hair.]

[That's just, so Lust.]

[But while it's a welcome reprieve from thinking about her own problems, she knows she can't keep the topic on Lust's amusing sexual anecdotes no matter how much she'd rather be talking about that.]}

Yeah, I know... like, to be clear, I trust Envy one hundred percent. I really, really do.

And like... literally right up till that point, I was... I was fine. I mean... a little... out of my element, yeah, but it wasn't like I was hating it and just letting him keep going.

It just... it happened so quickly, everything was fine and then suddenly it wasn't, and it was like-- I couldn't even talk for a second, or move, and I couldn't even warn him it was happening. Or even... pinpoint anything he was doing that might've... set me off.

There's no doubt of that. It has nothing to do with how much you consciously trust another person. It's an instinct, a purely primal reaction that doesn't give a damn what your feelings are.

[Lust pauses, thinking once more. It all makes a great deal of sense, Heather's reactions, and she understands why they're difficult to determine how to proceed with correcting.]

What about you taking physical control? I don't mean in a traditional sense, I simply mean...perhaps it would help if you were physically directing him. If you understand my meaning.

It's only that having physical control, or the impression of it, can go a long way to soothing those instincts.

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