a_sin_for_him | IC Contact

Ah. Yes, that wouldn't give opportunity for it to come up again.

[Lust purses her lips in thought.]

I confess, I'm no expert in this particular area. But from my limited experiences dealing with it... I can offer some suggestions, if you'd like them.

_{[Heather nods, miserably, and takes Lust's pause as a chance to take a long sip of the hot chocolate.]

[Even if it doesn't do anything to fix the problem, cocoa is just comforting. And it eases the knot in her chest a little.]}

I... yeah, I think I would. Can't hurt, right?

_{[Even if they wound up not helping, it's what she came up here for.]

[And it's not like Heather's got any ideas of her own, when it comes to this.]}

No, it can't hurt.

[They're only talking. Heather doesn't have to take any suggestion Lust offers, if she feels it wouldn't help any.]/small>

We know that the root of the problem is. It's a perception of control, of being at the mercy of someone else. Do you think that exerting what control you can might help? Verbally telling him what you'd like him to do, or verbally offering permission before he touches you?

[Even in her awkward fumbling with human intimacy, the asking and giving of permission had eased things greatly.]

I... guess.

I mean, that's kind of what I did.

The permission part, anyway...

_{[Which is part of why what had happened was so embarrassing.]

[It felt like asking the waitress to go ahead and grate some pepper onto your pasta only to hurl the plate across the restaurant like a discus and take off running.]}

And as for saying what I'd like, it's like... I don't... really know. What I'd like, I mean.

Even if it's something I want, like, in the abstract... it's like all I can think about is just... stuff I'd rather forget. Stuff I thought I'd already dealt with. Stuff I didn't... know would make me feel this way. Like I'm-- dirty, or something.

[Lust nods, listening.]

Please stop me if my inquiries and suggestions become too personal. I imagine it may be...awkward for you.

[They are talking about Lust's brother, after all. But it doesn't mean anything to her, sex has never a particularly private subject between her and Envy. Considering their previous lives, it would have been impossible for it to have been.]

On the subject of permission, did you simply give one blanket go-ahead, or did you continue to repeat the permission at each...step?

_{[At that, Heather's mouth twists in an awkward, mirthless grin.]}

Hah, yeah, awkward...

_{[Understatement. Honestly if it weren't something she was really, really desperate to fix, she wouldn't even be up here talking about it.]}

But uh... I mean, yeah, I just kind of said 'go for it'. The other thing didn't occur to me.

Wouldn't that kind of... you know... ruin the mood?

Edited 2017-03-26 07:35 (UTC)

It really doesn't bother me any, you don't have any reason to be embarrassed. Physical intimacy is an important part of life and these sorts of relationships.

[Lust leans back, thoughtful.]

No, I don't think so. I didn't find it to. For god's sake, I once stopped Scar in the middle of proceedings to cut his hair. After being very clear just what I thought of his current grooming choices. And after...we simply went right back to what we were doing. When two people have those feelings, that connection...it takes a great deal to 'ruin the mood'. And to be perfectly frank, your enjoyment and comfort is of the utmost importance. I know without even speaking to him that Envy feels that way. Exploring that...it's another form of intimacy.

_{[Heather listens, looking a little surprised at first... then, amused despite the issues that led to this conversation in the first place. Because like... of course Lust stopped Scar in the middle of making out to cut his hair.]

[That's just, so Lust.]

[But while it's a welcome reprieve from thinking about her own problems, she knows she can't keep the topic on Lust's amusing sexual anecdotes no matter how much she'd rather be talking about that.]}

Yeah, I know... like, to be clear, I trust Envy one hundred percent. I really, really do.

And like... literally right up till that point, I was... I was fine. I mean... a little... out of my element, yeah, but it wasn't like I was hating it and just letting him keep going.

It just... it happened so quickly, everything was fine and then suddenly it wasn't, and it was like-- I couldn't even talk for a second, or move, and I couldn't even warn him it was happening. Or even... pinpoint anything he was doing that might've... set me off.

There's no doubt of that. It has nothing to do with how much you consciously trust another person. It's an instinct, a purely primal reaction that doesn't give a damn what your feelings are.

[Lust pauses, thinking once more. It all makes a great deal of sense, Heather's reactions, and she understands why they're difficult to determine how to proceed with correcting.]

What about you taking physical control? I don't mean in a traditional sense, I simply mean...perhaps it would help if you were physically directing him. If you understand my meaning.

It's only that having physical control, or the impression of it, can go a long way to soothing those instincts.

I... maybe...

_{[She thinks on that for a moment. It's hard to foresee exactly how that would wind up going, but... well, it couldn't hurt, down the line. And maybe it would dispel certain ingredients of the veritable memory cocktail that was triggered that night. The parts that recalled all those times she'd nearly met a gruesome end crushed to the floor under some nightmare-borne atrocity.]}

I think that could solve... part of the problem, yeah.

Edited 2017-04-23 19:06 (UTC)

It might help. And...I know this likely sounds very silly, but try and make the room itself as comfortable for you as possible. Physically and emotionally. Scents you find soothing, colors, that manner of thing. That you choose.

[Anything to help induce a calm and comforted state of mind, really. And another aspect of control, in a way.]

Heh, that is probably something to try...

_{[Rubbing the back of her neck with her free hand, she looks out the window at the backyard below.]}

We didn't... put a whole lot of thought into it...

_{[Because of course they didn't. He whacked his head on the coffee table and she literally tackled him onto the bed.]}

You'd be amazed at how much atmosphere contributes to mood and state of mind. A large part of enjoying sexual contact, I think, is simply being comfortable. In all senses of the word.

[She isn't very surprised to hear Heather's comment. They're both spontaneous, free spirited people.]

Try some planning, next time. And remain open and communicative. I'm sure you'll be able to work through this together.

_{[Talking to Lust was a good idea.]

[Whether or not the advice actually works... her calm authority is somehow soothing in a way that Heather never would have thought, not on this topic anyway. But it is. She makes it sound so simple, even if they both know that neither of them think that.]}

Yeah, I... hope we will.

I mean, I know we will.

But you know what I mean...

_{[She trails off there, because there's one last thing that's nagging at the back of her mind. And it's the actual uncomfortable part-- not the sort of thing that can quite be handled by dressing up a situation to be more comfortable. Because actually it's a hell of a lot more than 'one' thing, and talking about it... is not something she's sure she knows how to do.]

[But... if there was ever a time, and a person...]}

There's... something else, though.

About what happened.

... Lust, you... you know. Get flashbacks, sometimes, right? Memories?

...I do.

[Now it's Lust turn to look down at her mug, out the window, anywhere but at Heather. Not out of shame or embarrassment, but simply because she often isn't sure how to talk about these things.]

Sometimes there will be...oh, it's different things. I'll see something, or hear a particular phrase or pace of inflection, or there will be a certain scent. Things of that nature. And it brings forth some related scrap or fragment of my first life. There's never any context, rarely a full whole memory, but...

Flashes return. I find it overwhelming, when it happens.

Yeah.

I get 'em too.

A lot, actually.

_{[Less frequently now than she used to, before she came to this world. But still enough that it's a regular thing that she's familiar with, that she knows. That she's usually prepared to deal with.]}

But it's usually only one.

_{[She pauses briefly, then just decides to get it over with. Even if her voice shakes. Which it does.]}

Lust, this time, it was so many. All at once.

It's never happened before. Not like that.

I see....

[Lust frowns slightly.]

The only time I experienced a flood such as that...was when I died. The second time, I mean, before coming here.

[Which speaks to the level of trauma needed to trigger it. For Lust, at least, she can't assume it's the same for Heather. But still.]

_{[Yeah... that says it all, really.]

[She nods. Because she understands exactly what Lust means.]}

... And it's not like anything... worth that was happening.

I've had sex before, and-- and it's not like I wasn't already aware, of all those things that came back and hit me while we were getting into it the other night.

I guess I just... I just thought I'd be over it by now. Over... all of it. By now.

There are things that take...immeasurable amounts of time to 'get over'. We can believe we are for years, and then suddenly something seemingly inconsequential will bring it all back.

[Lust shakes her head. She has no advice or particularly comforting words for this. She wishes that she did, but she's fumbling through it all herself.]

All I know is that we self aware creatures are strong things. We can heal and recover, eventually. With those we hold in our hearts helping us along the way.

_{[She nods. It's a very small, subdued motion.]

[Then she takes a long sip of the cocoa.]}

... Lust, is it okay if-- ... can I... can I tell you some things? Before I say anything to Envy? ... It's not that... I think he'll judge me or something, it's just... I don't talk about this.

Not this stuff.

I don't... talk about those parts when I tell people stuff.

And you've always been great about listening when I had needed to get shit off my chest about... about the past.

Of course. Heather, you know...

[Lust sighs, gathering herself. These things always feel so awkward. But it's better to say them when opportunity offers, than keep them unsaid.]

You know that I consider you a member of my family. You can always talk to me.

_{[She nods. It's always... reassuring, when Lust reminds her of that. All weird awkward puppy-crushing that had gone on aside, she really is grateful to have retained their weird friendship so strongly. And she never feels more strongly about it than in moments like this.]

[All the same, just for a second, the exact same paralyzation that she'd felt while her hand had been locked around Envy's throat comes back. It's as mental as it is physical-- the words just lock up in her throat, twisting around each other like snakes into a ball too big to pull out in one go.]

[There's just so much.]}

... I've been pregnant.

Before I came here.

I didn't want to be. It wasn't-- I didn't have a choice, they made me...

I...see.

[Lust tries very hard to keep her expression neutral. Her hands clench, though, and her lips tighten. She twists her fingers together in her lap. She'd had no idea. Only that Heather had gone Through Something. The bits and pieces that have been shared paint the building blocks of a very unpleasant and horrific past.]

I'm sorry. I know the words mean nothing, but...

[There's something of an understanding, still. It comes down to power, being under the power and at the mercy of others in every conceivable way. Even your own body theirs to use, not your own.]

_{[There is is.]

[She's never told anybody this. Not even the people who she'd confessed most of the sad tale of Alessa to-- not that part. Never that part.]

[And the impact of even saying it is immediate-- she turns her head away, because looking at Lust straight-on, seeing her reaction, is too much. She doesn't want to fucking cry up here in the other woman's room, no matter how justified it might be. She's had it with that shit, she's so sick of it. God, it's been almost eight years since her return to Silent Hill. Trauma should have a fucking expiration date.]

[Her voice is tight when she speaks.]}

No, I know, it's fine.

My life before here-- parts of it were a total fucking nightmare and it's-- I don't like springing it on people because fuck, what can you say to that?

Especially... that.

I've never told anybody that before.

I've come to terms with so much, there's so many things that would've given me panic attacks a few years ago and barely make me bat an eye now... but that?

It feels like I'll never be over that.

Every time the thought so much as crosses my mind, I go back to feeling just... just filthy. Like every fucking molecule of me is-- is tainted or something. Like it's not mine. Like my own skin isn't even mine, but it's all I've got so I have to live in it anyway.

I-- sorry, I'm-- I don't even know where I'm going, talking about this-- but just.

How can I let someone touch-- _{[She falters for a second, face screwed up in disgust, before kind of haplessly gesturing to herself.]} --this?

No.

[Lust stands, and moves to rest her hands on Heather's shoulders if allowed. She feels some fierce welling of anger on the other woman's behalf, hot and strong.]

That...it was done to you. You are not filthy, something filthy was forced onto you. But not now. Whatever was, your body is yours, Heather. Maybe it wasn't, at a time, but that time is gone. And here and now...whatever was doesn't matter.

[Lust takes a deep breath of her own. It's only fair, and so very relevant.]

My master sent me to...horrible men. The things they wanted of me...I had to give them, no matter what they were, and do so with a smile. The perversions...I've done things most women would be ashamed to admit on their deathbed. But it doesn't matter anymore. Those things were done to me, they are not who I am. And you are not what was done to you. You are an astounding and resilient woman who has been to hell and returned. And you bear scars, but they are not the fabric of your being.

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