a_sin_for_him | IC Contact

"How is that entertaining?" Scar thought aloud, still staring pointedly at the wall. It just didn't make sense to him. Conflict was necessary for interest, but... violence wasn't entertaining. And was everyone truly okay with sitting in a room full of people while watching characters pretend to have sex?

And yet, his eyes drifted slowly back over the to screen out of some difficult to place fixation.

"It's like I said, vicarious entertainment. The audience can get the thrill of the act without participating in it in real life." She could understand why people enjoyed it.

"We can skip past it, if you'd like."

And here she'd thought maybe they were moving to a place where they could be more physically intimate with each other. Scar's reaction to a pair of actors intensely kissing on television wasn't bolstering that hope much.

"I do not care for 'vicarious entertainment,'" he said, not really giving an answer. It was curious, but he still felt strange watching it. He was still curled up against her, though. That was a good sign.

"Neither do I. But some people don't have any other option."

Lust strove to keep any implications out of her voice. The last thing she wanted was a misunderstanding or disagreement the night before she left.

But she wanted him to kiss her. She'd never wanted anyone to just hold her and kiss her and stroke her hair, but she wanted him to. And maybe just...touch her a bit. Sometimes when she looked at him or smelled him, she started to ache in her breasts.

...What was that supposed to mean? Scar felt an uncomfortable lurch in his chest when he processed the indirect implication of what she just said. It was like he'd just been called out.

He backed away, far enough to loosen their contact and look at her, his own expression perplexed and flustered and almost a little hurt. What had he done wrong??

Nothing that came to mind felt right to say, so he just remained silent.

She'd tried. Damnit!

"Scar, no. I didn't mean anything by it, not anything bad anyway." She sighed lightly and tilted her head, wishing he wasn't giving her that look. She wasn't trying to put him down, just remind him that he did have the option.

She could never tell how he felt about that aspect of their relationship at any given time.

"I only meant...you could. If you wanted to."

Another moment of gaping while he fished for words.

"I..." Another moment of struggling before... "Both times."

Nailed it.

Edited 2015-10-05 03:05 (UTC)

"No, I meant...right now."

Lust grimaced a little at her own lack of eloquence. She was trying to get better at communicating things to Scar, but when it came to their physical relationship, it was still difficult for some reason.

"Or...at least more often. I just mean I wouldn't be averse to making a habit of it. If you wanted to."

"Then... do not wait for me to initiate things." Scar's own words were broken up and disjointed. For all the trouble Lust had with the subject, he tripped over it all even more.

Holding her suddenly seemed inappropriate for the moment. He returned his arm to his own side, then immediately started questioning if that had been the right thing to do. His throat was tight with nerves, and he struggled to meet her gaze. He was turning inward again, eyes forced shut as he recognized his own defenses going back up without his control.

"I know that I am not... physically gratifying to be with, but if it bothers you, at least mention it..."

"Scar, that isn't what I meant." Lust took a deep breath and shifted on the couch, so she was facing him.

"We've neither of us ever been in this sort of position before. I know you have your concerns. I have my own. I worry about being too pushy, or misreading your mood, or giving the impression that being physical means more to me than it does or that I want more than I actually do. But I have thoughts and feelings sometimes, I can't help it. You're appealing and I'm...human."

She shrugged and let out a small chuckle.

"This is all new to me, strange as it seems. I don't know how to just...be physical with someone for the sake of affection. I'm not used to wanting someone to just kiss me."

Or do anything to her, really, but she was trying to stress that was really all she had in mind.

The tension Scar had taken on in his shoulders relaxed. She had become quite adept at saying just the right thing, though he hadn't fully noticed that yet. He was slouched forward, elbows resting on his knees as he turned to look at her, earnest now.

"You know that I am not averse to that, right?" TWICE!!

"Sometimes I don't know if you are at the moment the feelings hit," she admitted. "You're naturally hard to read in general, and there were...circumstances, both times. The last thing I want to do is initiate that when you aren't in the mood. There's nothing enjoyable about it if you aren't in the mood."

She knew that full well.

"But I find you very handsome, and I like to think about kissing you, sometimes. I do think about those times."

Often.

Scar felt like hiding his face in his hands, but he resisted the urge. He did return to staring at the floor, though.

"Okay-" He didn't mean to cut her off, but he wasn't keen on getting the details. But this all seemed far simpler to Scar, if he was honest.

"Then, either we have this uncomfortable conversation every time you wish to, or you do what you think feel is right and trust that I will respond how I feel is right."

"I just worry about causing problems." Things were so good between them right now. But she reached for his hand. "I worry too much, remember?"

Scar took another careful breath as he took her hand in both of his.

"I will let you know, then, if something is wrong." He looked back up to her, then, with reserved earnest.

"I can manage for myself." It wasn't an angry statement, just... a true one, for the most part. He didn't need to be coddled, and sometimes it felt as if Lust were constantly tiptoeing around him.

"You have to admit, I don't have the most promising of histories when it comes to accurately considering your feelings." But there was a certain fondness in her tone, rather than any upset or regret. She reached up with her free hand, brushing her fingertips over his cheek.

She leaned forward, pressing her forehead against his.

Scar's relaxed expression fell somewhat when Lust indirectly brought up that again. Any reminder of the mess they had created only left a heavy, sick feeling in the pit of his stomach.

He leaned back when she moved closer, purely out of instinct to not have his scar touched, but he didn't draw away from her completely. It was just more hesitating, on his part, more uncertainty that made his face and chest feel sickly and weighted.

Scar stayed still, though, eyes closed and brow tight with resurfacing, misplaced pain. His hands curled around hers a little more tightly.

"Is anything wrong?"

The words were quiet and calm, Lust simply trusting Scar to be true to his own suggestion. She wouldn't press any further than this if he didn't want to. She couldn't tell if the tightening on her hands was permission or a request to stop.

Scar was silent for several moments, struggling between opening up to her and withdrawing into himself. He was having trouble looking at her, again.

"I ruined tonight." His voice was soft, but under strain. "I'm sorry."

She was going to be gone for a while and this was how he sends her off.

"No. You didn't." Lust stroked his cheek with the tips of her fingers, lightly. She wasn't upset. They'd navigated an awkward and necessary conversation without it turning horribly sour or into an argument. She'd consider that a step in the right direction.

"We had a perfectly frank and productive discussion, that's hardly ruining anything."

He shook his head lightly. He suddenly wanted to go to bed, but he knew that it wasn't because he was tired. It was just another attempt at withdrawing.

"I'm trying," he muttered, not certain what exactly he meant, only that it was true. He was trying. To be better, to do better.

"It is foolish, but... I keep wishing that there could be more nights when we did not have to talk about everything that is so wrong."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bring up anything unpleasant. It's just easier for me to make light of things." It took some power away from them, she felt. "You do well, Scar. I don't think there's anything wrong, we're just...still learning, that's all. That's natural."

Scar struggled to find words once again, tripping over his thoughts like he frequently did with her. A great many little things were trickling through his mind at the moment, but the most resounding one was how... patient she was through all of this. Patient and open and understanding of things Scar himself couldn't really grasp.

The sickly tension eased, then. Almost as quickly as it had surfaced, it was fading, and Scar was left with a sort of overwhelming feeling he didn't understand. Like something had clicked into place. It was different from the desperate, empty need to cling to Lust in this life, the urge to hold onto to someone who was familiar and cared about him that usually held this relationship together for Scar. It wasn't the familiar empty longing, it was a positive thing. Warm, and...

"I love you."

It tumbled out before Scar could think, earnest and not entirely happy, but quiet and at ease. More honest than anything else he could mumble on about at the moment.

Maybe it was the lingering fear of regret when all of this was over, but that had never been enough, until now. Maybe it was that she was going to be gone for a while, and... Scar had already alarmed himself with how easy it had been, being here with her. Maybe it was just something he desperately needed to tell someone, right now. More than likely, it was some combination of all those things and more.

Lust's palm pressed against Scar's cheek. She swallowed hard, her heart making those strange little swooping beats as she just looked at him for a few moments, feeling the warmth of his skin. She could feel her eyes misting, but not with a threat of leakage. It was like some physical manifestation of her welling emotion.

She couldn't honestly say she'd never heard those words before. But they'd never mattered to her. They'd never been something she wanted, or something that touched her.

"And I you."

She'd said the word once already, she didn't need to say it again. But she felt ridiculous saying 'thank you' or nothing at all. She knew he was less given to voicing his feelings than she was. And she knew he meant it, truly and without condition or coercion.

She leaned in, her arms slipping around him, and pressed her lips against his cheek.

There really hadn't been anything else to say right then, had there? Scar felt a brief flutter of panic, but it settled almost as soon as it bubbled up. She had, seemingly effortlessly, settled him down from what would have likely been a low evening of staring at the ceiling and muttering to himself. No one had ever really done that before.

Maybe he was getting a little better, too.

Scar sat still when she kissed his cheek. He hadn't exactly felt like it before, but...

"Do you still want to...?" That thing? That couples do? Scar was fairly worded out, for the evening.

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