a_sin_for_him | IC Contact

I'm not sure if it's pride, exactly, in your case. I would venture to guess that you measure your worth by your dependability, your ability to shoulder the burdens of others. That showing vulnerability or needing help yourself somehow makes you less worthy.

But that isn't true, Shiro, you're human. We all of us have times of strength and times of weakness, the latter doesn't take from the former.

[He really wishes Lust had said "sure, it's pride, go work on that". That would be easy. So much easier, anyway.]

I Wish I knew how to answer that. You'd think that kind of thing would blow over when we're not fighting an entire war.

No, our experiences leave a mark on us. Patterns burned into our souls are hard to break.

If it's any consolation, I only recognize it because I'm similar. There are ways I abhor to be seen by others, even though they're natural and necessary. I can't abide to be seen weeping, or...indulging in inelegant activities. It makes me feel as though I won't be taken seriously, or seen as weaker than I am.

But they can be broken. Right?

[He's guessing the answer is going to be "no". The way Lust phrased it sounded incredibly... final.]

Inelegant? If If it's any consolation, I don't think it's possible for you to be inelegant, Lust. But I understand. Especially about well crying

I'm going to share with you something that no one else alive knows. Because it's only fair, I think, considering how much you're sharing with me.

Late at night, sometimes, when I'm all alone, I take a cake out of the fridge. I don't bother with a plate, I don't cut a slice, I don't even sit down. I stand at the counter in my nightclothes and I eat it with my hands.

I promise, I can be very inelegant. It's only I never let anyone see.

But take heart in that, Shiro. A decade ago and I'd never let myself do something like that. Patterns can be changed, with time and effort.

[Well, if you ask him, that sounds like a great night, and a great idea. But that's not the point of what she's sharing.]

It won't go any further than me. Thank you - for trusting me.

[Likely, Lust knows that already, but it doesn't hurt to reaffirm it.]

What changed for you? To Let you get there, I mean? Break your pattern?

Of course. I trust you, Shiro.

Honestly I'm not sure. It happened very slowly. And...I suppose those few people I allowed to get close enough to where I couldn't always hide my vulnerabilities. And seeing theirs in turn.

My husband helped me a great deal, in that regard. And my brother.

You didn't think - didn't feel like you were burdening them? I mean yeah they offered but it still feels wrong

[His response is a while in coming. How did he forget, in all this - ]

Your husband ?

It took a long time to feel that way, and sometimes I still refrain from sharing things for that very reason. Not wanting to be a burden, not wanting to share something private. But it's difficult to believe that, when I've let so many share their burdens with me. Why should I believe those I care about see it so differently?

Timothy. He's been gone some time now, again. But it never felt like a burden, sharing things with him. He reminded me often that when people share their lives, they share them completely and don't pick and choose when and what to care about. He's a good man, my Timothy. I hope he's doing well, back home.

Logically I know you're right. If they cared, they wouldn't ask all the time, would they? They wouldn't offer to help if they didn't care. It just It never wants to sink in right. Do you ever think what if he came back? He'd he'd still be your husband, wouldn't he? He still is. Even though he isn't here?

Just keep reminding yourself of that. Offers from loved ones are offers made honestly.

He's gone and come back more than once already, and he often tends to show up on those odd weekends. Of course he's still my husband, we didn't vow 'till one of us vanishes from this dimension'. I still love him, I still carry his family name as my own. We talked about it, the likely eventuality of only one of us being in this world. He DOES have a life back home, and I know he doesn't remember me when he's gone, so I do hope he's not lonely. And if I ever should feel physically lonely, there's nothing stopping me from enjoying temporary company while we're apart. But neither of us have ever tied love and sex together inherently.

Repeat it until it's true, huh? We didn't. Talk about it, I mean. He came back once but he never remembered. He told me he'd met that there was someone he was interested in, in our world. Then he was gone again. I've never seen him on any of those weekends or I don't know what to do. From here.

I see.

Did you know...I had another, before Timothy? We never had anything officially declared, but in most ways we lived as man and wife. For a long time. And I did love him, very much. But he vanished, many years ago. After he'd been gone two or three, never once returning even briefly...

I more or less considered myself a widow.

And then I met Timothy.

What you do now, Shiro, is live your life for you.

I didn't know that no.

[I more or less considered myself a widow]

[He's quiet, for a while. The little (...) appears a few times. Deleting and then typing. Again and again. He's there. He's listening. But how to phrase what he wants to say - needs to say?]

I'm not sure I know how to do that anymore i keep thinking what if he comes back and ive moved on what kind of monster would i be then

It was a long time ago, so few people even remember him.

I understand. But I'll share with you what was shared with me, when I felt that way. What do you imagine someone who loves you would want? You to waste your life trapped in the past, in mourning? Or to be happy and make what you can of your life?

[The pause extends again. For a long while. Not because she's said anything wrong. Far from it.]

[Maybe Lust, finally, has said the right thing. The words every well-meaning friend and family member has somehow not found yet. Or, maybe they have. Maybe he hadn't been able to hear it, then.]

He wanted me to be who I was We we did talk about that much

[Shut up he's not leaking all over his 'gear. It's just raining.]

Then you have your answer, Shiro.

Live, and be happy, and honor the one that loved you that way.

[The silence stretches again. Shiro trying to get himself, his emotion, back under control before he can say anything. honor the one that loved you that way - is it an honor? Would that be right?]

[They did talk about it. About being who he was. Bringing that back out again. Maybe it was right. Maybe he was allowed... After all. He wasn't judging Lust for moving on like she had from her first love. He couldn't.]

[So why is it so hard to do the same for himself?]

this makes me wonder why i never talked to you in the first place

It's something you and I have in common. We're not prone to talking about emotional things or personal things.

But sometimes it does help.

I for what it's worth if it helps - i'll listen to you Try to talk, in return.

Thank you, Shiro. I'd take you up on the offer, but I'm quite honestly doing alright.

I'm sure it won't last indefinitely, though.

For your sake? I really hope it does.

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