a_sin_for_him | IC Contact

I know I'm not indestructible.

But I can't live my life always afraid of being hurt. If I do that, I won't do anything. And it's easier to confront things that might physically hurt me.

Have you ever actually been physically hurt? Really.

Yes. I have.

I was pinned to a wall once, for hours. Like bugs are pinned to a specimen frame. Through my nodes and oroborous.

There are some wounds that cripple even a homunculus.

[That... makes him a little physically ill to think about.]

Then why would you seek some sick thrill from repeating that kind of lasting pain?

[Hadn't he said he didn't want to discuss the philosophy of this? Well, too late.]

Because that buffoon is doing it?

Because there's no guarantee I'm going to get hurt. It's a possibility.

That's what I meant, about weighing potential consequences. There's some small chance I'll get seriously injured. But I'll most certainly experience something I never have before. It's not that much different than going in the ocean, even though I don't know how to swim.

One of the reasons I decided to travel with Greed is because I think there's much I can learn from him. He's been able to cast aside shackles I haven't yet but I'm trying to. He embraces this new life and throws himself into it and doesn't spend hours thinking back and forth over what he should do or shouldn't do or what people will think or every possible consequence. I let myself rest on the first person who offered to take care of me.

Does this make sense to you, so far?

No. It doesn't. You are making no sense what so ever.

The chance is not small. There is debris flying everywhere. Do you see any of the native people outside right now? No. They're inside, many of them sitting in their basements, and waiting out the storm.

Greed doesn't think twice about a thing. He doesn't even think once. There is a great difference between being free spirited and being an impulsive fool, and he is the latter.

I'm not done with my point.

I know that. But the way he lives is something I find inspiration in. Envy's happy. Greed can find happiness in almost anything. That means I can be happy. I don't intend to model my life after him, but he encourages me to step beyond what I know and inspires me to just be me. Without caring or thinking or trying to be anyone in particular I think I should be. To take chances because sometimes it's worth it.

I didn't ask you for an explanation as to why you up and ran off with Greed. All I said, all I have been trying to say for the entirety of this is that going out in this mess is only asking for disaster.

'Up and ran off with' makes it sound sordid, Scar. We're taking a planned trip together.

You asked if I was thinking of going out because of him. I was answering you. I'm sorry it wasn't a simple answer, but there it is. It's about my own willingness to take chances and risks of my own choosing.

I don't care what that 'makes it sound' like.

All I'm hearing is the consideration of a stupid option in some desperate grab for what you're calling freedom.

[Which... he actually understands. But seriously. HURRICANE.]

I do. I get enough assumptions here just because of my name. I don't appreciate baseless implications of that kind.

Because I've earned the right to make stupid decisions! Simple, stupid decisions that won't effect anyone but myself! Even children are allowed to skin their knees to learn.

[A sigh.]

Do you honestly think people won't make assumptions regardless of what you call it? And there isn't anything you can do about your name unless you change it.

...You are comparing skinned knees to running around in a hurricane.

No one seems to assume anything, really, when it comes to Greed and I. And I'm not about to change my name. It's mine.

Touching a hot stove, then. It's the principle, not an exact scaled comparison.

Then you can't complain about it.

[It's hers? That's really the best she can do? It was given to her by a sadistic madwoman, why would she want it at all?]

But you're missing the point. You know what could happen. There is no need to test it like a child who needs to learn that getting injured hurts.

But I can express displeasure at the assumptions some people make. Why is the onus on me to change my name, rather than on other people to not make baseless assumptions?

We're missing each other's points.

[She almost sounds amused.]

But a fact is that I've been in the doorway while talking to you just now and I'm perfectly fine.

"Lust" is a ridiculous name. Of course people are going to assume when you give them no explanation.

[rrrrr]

That is like saying that you are standing in a shooting range, but it's fine because you haven't been shot, yet. How can you possibly accept that logic as being sound?

I don't think it's ridiculous. It was my name before I knew what it meant as a word.

[Lust is surprised at how much it seems to sting when Scar makes that comment about her name.]

I'm just keeping an eye on things, I'm not out in it.

Of course you don't, it's what you've been called for years. "Scar" is ridiculous, and people find it so, but it's to be expected. It's not a name, it's a.... thing.

You can keep an eye on things from a distance.

Then surely you can see why I get tired of assumptions being made because of it. No one ever made assumptions back home. Not just from my name. No one even found it odd. They certainly didn't assume I was some sex-motivated goodtime girl. I've never even en...

[She was about to say 'enjoyed the act' but remembers who she's talking to.]

Anyway, a thing can be a name. Anything can be a name, if it's used as one. And why not?

If I need to do more than watch, I'd prefer to be close by.

No, I don't, because I still made the choice to keep it. I accept the abnormalities that come with it.

...Are people saying that?

[He will beat them up.]

I meant the fact that you acknowledge it's my name to me before anything else. It's not something I'm called, it's not something that was adopted late in life, it's not a designation, it's my name.

The implications are clear. And I suppose I can't honestly be upset by the implications themselves, all things considered, but...

I've had to make a trade of sex my whole life. I never wanted to, I never liked it. I certainly don't have to now, but still the assumptions and recommendations that I would, just because of my name. I'm no one's mistress anymore and I'm not going to be again.

[THAT revelation comes with a change in Scar's tone. He's silent for a moment.

That's messed up. Like. Very, very wrong. Add it to the list of reasons for which Scar would be more than happy to blow Dante's skull open. Yeah, he's going to assume that was her fault, too.]

I... didn't know.

[As if that changes anything. Another pause. Now he's just getting angry for entirely different reasons. He pauses again. He doesn't know what else to say. He's sorry? That doesn't fit.]

How could you have? It's all in the past now. And it likely wasn't as horrible as you're thinking it was - it was like work, that's all. Not particularly pleasant, but what work is?

I'm only upset that none of it was even for my own benefit.

I just want to be me. For myself. Whoever I am.

No. Wait.

You can't even call it work of it wasn't for your benefit.

Was this going on... the entire time you were with her?

[He spits that last word like it's poison.]

But it was work. I expected to receive something in payment, but that was my own foolishness.

It's what I did. Just like any job, I suppose. I was trained, given instruction, an expected result, and then set to work. I don't feel ashamed or terrible about anything I did, and I don't want to be made to feel as though I should.

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